In Winter

The first snow of this year came in early November.

My footprints were the first to make an impression,
and I admitted I had missed the snow.

The snow reminds me of my past,
and I missed the pain I used to feel in its presence.

Of dying men lying inert under a cold sun,
surrounded by a sea of melted green,
decapitated by the time and weather
and the cruelty of adolescent youth,
reminders of their futile existence
manifest only in the faded music
of those who were once children
as they sing of a past that is gone

and of a future that is not coming.

It hurts to see them sprawled there,
remnants of childhood memories
and others even more recent.

It snowed the day her life spun out of existence.

The snow reminds me of my pain,
and of what caused it.

Hot chocolate after hours of sledding,
which I never really liked except in December.
Blanketed in warmth while outside
the rest of the world is blanketed in white.
Wrapped up by the fireplace,
hearing stories I've heard my entire life.
Synchronized Christmas lights
in obscure neighborhoods to my favorite carols.

The reality of December is heartbreak,
but the fantasies it brings are the best kind
because they don't leave me heartbroken.
Even if I never end up holding hands
while I look at Christmas lights in the cold,
it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

The snow reminds me of everything I have lost,
and of everything I have yet to lose.

Twelve Minutes

Every footstep is a threat,
even my own.

I turn up the volume
as if not being able to hear them
means that they aren't there.

I have no one to trust,
no one to hold my hand.

I keep looking behind me,
expecting the worst.
The streetlights give me comfort,
until
I wonder what horrors they've seen 

in the dead of night.

Groups are safer.
Groups don't make me feel afraid.

Each time I make it home,
my relief lessens and
my terror heightens because of it.

I should be more frightened
each time I walk home alone.
Right?

Strange that being safe
makes me feel more unsafe.

It only takes nine minutes if you walk quickly.

Metaphorical Desk

My weeks are measured
by library due dates and the last time I saw you.

Like the desk that doesn't know which way to face,
I'm caught between past and future.

And just like the desk, I've put myself here,
out of place.

Mental Dance

Dancing shouldn't give you time to think
It's all about feeling and unfortunately
feeling is worse than thinking
because it hurts more
when you can't explain why

I've never been like you
and I never will be
I don't think I even can be
but that doesn't mean
I don't remember you
because I do

I remember so many things

They tell me that
it's better to have loved and lost
than never loved at all
but I'm not sure I agree
If we never loved at all
we wouldn't know what we lost
and then it wouldn't hurt as much
Or it wouldn't hurt at all
and if all we felt was apathy
there would never be anything else
to brutally tear us apart because
we would never know the difference

That's why possibilities
are the world's greatest tragedy
We know what is and what is not
but those are so different from
what is and what could have been

Nightmare

I dreamt last night that I was taken away,
Part of an unpopular plan for population reduction.
As I faced the prospect of imminent death,
Of my lungs gasping for air and never being filled,
I thought of all the words I'd left unsaid,
All the poems I'd never finished writing and would never be able to,
Of the goodbyes I wasn't ready to say
And I was scared that I was wrong.
That there is nothing after this
Except an inevitable oblivion.
Because if nothing comes next
Then there's a reason to be scared
Because the goodbyes I didn't have time to say would be meaningless
And the poems in my head would remain eternally unwritten
And you would never hear the words I had waited to say.
And I gasped, feeling like my lungs wouldn't fill with air no matter how hard I tried.
But though the prospect of imminent death is real,
There is no plan for population reduction.
It was just something I dreamt last night.

Long Time Since

It's been a long time since a lot of things.

Since I went to a high school dance, 
since I felt safe, 
since I cried long and hard.

I cried in a Walmart parking lot one night
after a particularly terrible shift at work. 
And after my parents found out what I'd been doing the night before. 
I cried the first and second time I watched 
The Fault In Our Stars. 
I cried when I watched my aunt put her baby in the ground. 

But I didn't cry when I moved out. 
I didn't cry when I lost my faith, 
and I didn't cry when he left.

It's been a long time since I cried. 
But then again, 
it's been a long time since a lot of things.

Black And White

All I saw was a gray world.
No day, no night,
No dark, no light.
Just gray.
I sat and I stared
An empty heart,
Nothing there
Except gray.
And the world was.

Internally Blocked

It was dark outside
as the cool breeze swept over me.
The stars sang me to sleep, and
the moon watched over me
as I drifted away.

I sighed when I woke up
because waking up means facing reality again.

I'd like to cry myself to sleep,
but there's no point crying over things I can't control.
The problem is that
I can't control anything.
So I fight back the tears and smile.

An Introduction

Hello. 
My real name 
is not Indira Skye, 
but I chose this one because I like it 
and the way it makes me feel. 

Free, 
like the wind and sky and 
everything around me that I can't touch. 
I've always wished I could fly. 
Those were the best dreams I had, 
where I threw myself into the wind 
and I could see everything and the cold 
didn't bother me because the wind made me
free. 

But you always have to wake up 
in the end. I'm hoping someday 
I can stand in the midst of the 
wind, rain, lightning, and pain 
and not feel ashamed. 

But now I'm just rambling.

So what do you want to know about me? 
I've never been in love. 
Pocahontas is not my favorite Disney princess. 
I love the feeling of a pencil scratching on paper, 
filling a blank page with meaning. 
I think store-bought brownies and ice cream
are the best thing on dark, lonely nights.
My room is always clean.
I'd like to live in Seattle or New York City someday.
People's little nervous habits drive me crazy.

I'm trying so hard to do things right,
but I'll never be sure because there are too many variables,
and math and science are still my worst subjects.
Sorry.